Can I get a Rewind?

Sooooo this ones a little off the cusp, and im writing it as im dealing with it.

A little back ground first, as I feel this may be helpful.

My Ex wife, with whom I share 2 children with, lives in Scotland, while im England. I have the eldest (10) while she has the youngest (9). Both of us have settled in separate relationships and now have a sort of co parenting thing going on.

My daughter (9) visited me in March/April for a month. During the visit on more than one occassion she asked to go for a walk, just the 2 of us. Happy to have a little 1 on 1 time, I quickly realised this was her seizing an opportunity to open up about things she wanted to discuss about life at home.

She really opened up too. Shes feeling pressure from her mum to call the boyfriend Dad but she doesnt want to. At first I saw this as some sort of indirect way of seeking permission to call him Dad. I happily explain that Dad is not just the term you use to describe the man who planted the seed but infact it is often used as a term to describe the man that helped it grow. I told her I was lucky and happy to be her dad and that if she felt comfortable calling this dude dad because she felt this was a good discription of his contributions that I would totally be fine with this.

I was wrong, she really doesn't like the dude! Which is odd because at home I’m assured she loves him, bordering on adore! So why the confusion. She explained further that mummy wants her to call him daddy because it makes mummy happy. Hes nice to her and plays with her but when mummy goes out he dosnt play with her. I feel at this point ive made an early deduction that perhaps he's already figured out a way to a womens heart is the kids! But thats unfair, ill need more evidence before I take this to the council of dads law...

Fast forward to a call I was unhappy with. My ex phones to tell me she wants to see our daughter (10) for a few weeks. Caught me off guard as this is probably the 4th attempt in years to actually see her daughter. the conversation led to my ex claiming our daughter has no imagination and is not normal! This was of course offensive. My 10 year old daughter sits at her craft station designing clothes because she met a fashion designer! She even builds dolls houses from her imagination, cereal boxes and bits of fabric. This girl has imagination for days. What’s she even on about?!

Her response.... 'I wouldn't know, I dont see her enough to know'. Which probably irritated me more if im honest. Why make that statement if you don't know? Anyhoo, problems were being aired out by this point to which I felt the need to discuss the 'boyfriend situation'. She confimred this is true, she does pressure Sophie to call him dad and it would make her very happy if the kids called him so... yes I see the flaws and im sure by this point you've probably made a characted assessment of your own.

So the situation came about where she put our 9 year old in front of a camera and thus began the interrogation in which her mum asked if she loves daddy or the boyfriend more... I would like to point out at this point i was not ready for the questions to be so stupid. I thought important things were about to be discussed. anyway, to my delight she said she loved me more... yes i know, low point, but its going my CV so shhh

The questions got better, to which the end was, do you want to call mummy’s boyfriend daddy. no follow up, no options, simply, 'Do you want to call him daddy?'. she was very clear with her answer, NO. I like him, hes nice, but i don't think hes like dad, i don't want to call him daddy. At this point, The dude being trialled had entered the room and the call ended abruptly. I waited for a follow up, or some sort of continuation of the conversation. But my calls went ignored, messages unanswered until a beautiful little face appeared on my screen when she video called me. Soooo it was never 'finished'

Another fast forward moment for you. I have been enjoying lockdown a wee bit more since I got into my Playstion 4. While playing i managed to enjoy some hours with my ex's son (from a previous relationship) he's 13 now and the conversations were always very deep. This boy had soooo many problems to air out that i had to listen and try and just be the cool guy for half an hour. It escalated anyway, He discussed his mums boyfriend, at length. He has issues beyond issues. He doesnt like the guy, and not only does he not like him but he understands that the dude is only there for his mum.

I cant say im shocked but it certainly solidified my initial prognosis. The son decided to tell me how clever mums boyfriend is and his example made me genuinly rage. After my conversation with my daughter and the phone hung up, the boyfriend told my daughter she could longer call him dad if she wants to keep calling me dad. He said it upsets him when she doesn’t call him dad. This surely cant be true. Surely the ex would have jumped in to defend her daughter? Nope... Okay so it continued and she cried saying she was sorry and wants to call him dad and a day later he allowed her to call him dad. Master manipulator comes to mind. So I've made my mind up. The guys a Dick!

Okay, last fast forward, I swear.... Fast worard to approx 20 minutes ago. I felt I had to have the 'talk' with my ex but ill be honest im genuinley scared of burning bridges with this woman. part of our history is that she abandoned our 10 year old for 5 years and even with court battles and threats from the court, she refused to let me see my 9 year old for 5 years. Its hardly a leap of judgment to think she could do it again.

I phoned her, voice shaking, a lump in my throat. I led by asking for her definition of a manipulator. ' Someone who makes you feel guilty for not doing something they want, to make you want to do that something'. Okay, she gets it. Explainined the situation, leaving out names, and asked her if she'd agree that it would be classed as some form of manipulation. She agreed. Once i explained that her fella had manipulated our daughter, she said 'what happens in my house is non of your concern, As long as our daughter is safe, healthy and well fed it has nothing to do with you'.

Okay so a new problem has arrised. I really couldnt have picked a worse time to mention this. Our daughter (10) has heard terrible things about your boyfriend from your son (her half brother) and from our other daughter and has expressed her concerns. she doesnt want to visit while he’s there. Now there is also a little more history in which her mother called her a liar when in fact the hadn’t lied, and since then shes been reluctant to go and visit. But nether the less, she was willing to go to see her siblings but she wanted the boyfriend to be at work while we were there.

I get it, shes a mum whos fallen in love and shes convinced all the kids love him too. But the reality was clear. your fella has his own house. when our duaghter visits, send him away from a couple of days and see your daughter. Essentially. she reduced this to a simple Him or Her choice. a little odd but asserted with her follow up 'why should i end my relationship for you'. i mean, i didnt ask her to end anything, i just trust the guy and neither does anyone else evidently. hes a bad egg and kids are usually really good at spotting bad eggs.

Anyway, im still waiting on a decision as she hung up on me and has ignored texts and calls since. I would like to point out there is so much more to our history than ive explained. but honestly, i havent the time or the effort to bore you with my Jeremy Kyle prepared script.

I do fear it could go back to the previous norm. she blocks me, our daughters stay where they are, contact ends and she finally gets that happy family she was aiming for where they all call him daddy and i don't exist. Fingers crossed it doesnt quite go that way..... like really, cross your fingers for me